Did those two words get your attention? Because they certainly got mine. I felt very hesitant to write this post, but decided to go for it. Both for myself and for others. While StephSnacks is about eating right, fitness, and being able to have fun and feel free, I also want this blog to be an open-forum of honesty and real life situations. I hate to say that I’ve cried over this one too many times, even today, but whatever happened last night really triggered something in me and it seems I’m still very fragile about this topic and I need to address it.
Let’s get to it. Last night, as Brittany and I were coming home from our friends birthday, we were waiting to cross the street as a very clearly angry girl was screaming at her boyfriend and his friend. She was causing such a ruckus and scene that it was difficult not to watch everything unfold. I just kind of stood there looking on–not staring by any means–and also just waiting anxiously for the light to turn green so we could cross the street.
The friend that was with this girls boyfriend felt the need to throw a pretty harsh word towards Brittany and then of course hurled one my way. “Oh and by the way”, he yelled at Britt, “Your friend is fat and ugly”. All I could feel was my body start to sting from the inside out. It wasn’t so much the ugly part that got to me, because to be honest, whether someone is ‘gorgeous’ or not really doesn’t phase me. It was the fat part. Are you kidding? Do we even know each other? I just walked on, pretending I didn’t hear it, and got on the subway.
All the way home I silently cried in my seat. For me, being called fat is one of the worst things in the world. I have been called fat on and off my whole entire life… probably from when I was four or five years old. I remember every single time I was called this word from my early elementary days to today, as an almost 24 year old woman. It is cruel, embarrassing, and downright mean. Maybe it’s because I cannot imagine myself ever making fun of someones looks, but people continue to shock me.
I fell asleep crying and woke up crying. Something really went off inside of me. To be honest, I’m just grateful that I’m not in a bad place anymore and won’t let this make me spin out of control in a weight loss frenzy as I did during high school. However, that being said, unless you’ve been in the position where you have been called fat basically your whole life, no words really make it feel better.
I’m still learning and feeling and trying to understand why it is that I can’t just brush these things off my shoulder. I know that I am not fat, I know that I workout, eat right, and still enjoy myself. I know that I am not ugly. BUT even if someone is over-weight and not the best looking girl in the room, why the hell does it matter so damn much? What does it bother people so incredibly much? I don’t think I’ll be able to figure that out. I’m not sure anyone can.
Demi Lovato released a beautiful song called ‘Skyscraper’ just a few months back and it really touched me. I can relate to the lyrics, even if she and I have been through very different struggles. At the same time, anyone who has been tormented for looks, weight, or anything sensitive to them knows how it feels to fight what basically seems like a losing battle. The only way to come out on top is to be able to flip someone the bird and feel absolutely confident and wonderful about yourself. Obviously I’m still working on that, and I’m not ashamed to say it.
I know this post was heavy. I apologize if it was a bit too much for some to read, but I had to write it in order to feel a bit more ‘free’ of it. I’ll leave you with a quote from ‘Skyscraper’ that is just one of the many lyrics in song that I love.
‘You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am, like I’m made of glass, like I’m made of paper. Go on and try to tear my down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper’