Experience

Happy Friday, everyone! I’m so glad to have had such a positive response from the vlog. I will continue to post video’s every now and then 🙂 It’s a nice, refreshing approach for StephSnacks, I believe.

So I have a little somethin’ to chat with you all about today regarding ‘dieting’ and ‘restriction’. A few posts’ ago, after trying out the cleanse, I really vowed to myself that I would eat as clean and healthy as possible up until my trip to Aruba this coming June. I’ve been doing, what I think, is very well so far. Doing great at the gym, eating really clean, while having a little treat at night to satiate my sweet tooth.

Today, however, was a little different for me aside from going to the gym in the morning — which I am very glad that I did. I knew that my body was wanting some ‘good food’. Generally during the week, it’s greek yogurt/oatmeal for breakfast, some sort of salad with protein for lunch, and for dinner–either a salad again or eggs. It’s just a routine and easy to follow. I also know it’s healthy.

But like I said, I knew that today I was feeling a bit different. Actually, it’s been since last night when I was going to have eggs for dinner but decided to go to Whole Foods salad bar and stock up on some yummy, yet healthy eats for dinner. It was worth it.

This morning I had oats mixed with pumpkin (pumpkin is low in calorie but hearty and delicious) along with a drizzle of coconut butter on top. Fine. I also had an iced grande soy latte which is something I don’t normally purchase, but I didn’t want just a plain old cup of coffee. I was over it. Then for lunch, I had a salad with turkey and peas. Okay, yeah fine. But then my sweet tooth was raging and my office has mini jelly beans so I had a few. Whatever.

But then it happened. Around 2:30, my co-worker, Hattie, ran to a restaurant called Momofuku to purchase a couple different types of very well-known truffles for the office to share. I knew that I really wanted to try at least a little of each (Cake Batter and Chocolate) because these truffles are all the rage.

So that’s exactly what I did. I had half of a chocolate and half of a cake batter. They were beyond words incredible.

Thing is, though, I’ve been feeling guilty about it. Which is very unlike me lately. And I’m getting annoyed with how guilty I’m feeling. For basically five or six out of seven days a week I eat so healthy that even I get sick of it. I mix up between what ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ is and forget that having a few treats isn’t ‘wrong’, it effing happens (Can you tell how angry I am at myself)?

I know that this isn’t something I go through alone. I know that a lot of women beat themselves up over the stupidest things. If my friend was sitting across from me lamenting about two bites of truffle, I would look at her like she was an alien. Many times when I was recovering from my eating disorder, my mom would help me by saying, ‘Stephanie, what would you say to your friend if she was crying over eating a turkey burger? What would you say?’…. and that really got me. So the question is, why am I doing this to myself? Why am I feeling like a prisoner to healthy eating? I don’t have the answer.

I am confident that some or most of this is rooted in when I had an Eating Disorder. Back then I wouldn’t eat ANYTHING that looked remotely amazing or that was well known (aka Pink’s Hot Dogs in Los Angeles or the chef’s special sushi roll at whatever restaurant I happened to be at). These things are experiences I missed because I was so OCD about eating healthy and eating so little that I missed so much. All of my being never wants to miss anything again. I always want to experience. And not that I want to eat truffles every day all day but I want to be able to say, ‘hey, yeah, that sandwich is the BEST on the lower east side!’. It’s part of life and I don’t want to miss out.

One time, I was out at a bar with a bunch of friends when one turned to me and said something along the lines of how he really liked my blog (which means a lot to begin with). I responded by saying, ‘Sometimes I write some really heavy shit’. It’s not easy for me to sit here and admit all of my flaws and insecurities. It’s not easy to write about how eating two bites of a truffle is driving me insane, or how when I don’t workout for three days my mind goes nuts, or how I used to be so skinny I didn’t know myself anymore. It’s so difficult. It was difficult to gain all the weight back. Probably worse than being at my skinniest because it was as if I was letting go all the years of ‘work’ when all it really was was years of illness and sadness.

But I am positive that I’m not alone. I know there are other people out there with their OWN issues — issues I can only relate to because I’ve gone through things myself. If this blog or post makes a difference or lights a spark in just anyone, in just one person to be kind to themselves, to be their own best friend, I am ultimately happy and at peace with this whole thing. I love this blog and I love this space but sometimes shit is gonna get real and I have to write about what is on my mind RIGHT NOW.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is be easy on yourself. I know sometimes you are your own worst enemy — I definitely can be that. But it’s just not worth it. So much energy, so little time.

I love Demi Lovato’s new song, ‘Give your Heart A Break’ – I am certain it is about a girl talking about a guy she likes, but the chorus resonates with me talking to myself. It’s very simple and goes:

“There’s just one life to live and there’s no time to waste, so let me give your heart a break”.

And with that, enjoy your beautiful weekend.

-Steph

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4 responses to “Experience

  1. Beautifuil Honest Post….you’re a great writer Steph..bravo! (i thought if myself too with the demi song. HA go figure!!) xo

  2. ittybitsofbalance

    WOOTWOOT! You go girl. I’ve been dealing with similar mind games a lot, which inevitably triggered my interest in this whole “intuitive eating” thaang. And it’s not like it all magically goes away– it’s definitely a work in progress as I try to let myself eat whatever I “crave”, granted that I’m genuinely hungry for it.

    But you’re 100% right, and I thank you for opening up about this. Knowing that there are other girls out there going through very similar struggles makes this whole shebang so much easier.

    • Hi Brittany! I’ve been loving reading your journey of intuitive reading. It’s true that we really need to listen to our bodies needs – and yet we also need to turn off our brains sometimes because the noise is too loud.

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