Before starting my post, I want to wish all of the incredible mother’s out there a very happy mother’s day, especially my fantastic mom! She has been my rock and support system since I was very little and I’m pretty sure I’d collapse without her.
This is going to be one of those posts where I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to get at but I have way too many fcking thoughts in my head to not write it down. It’s kind of strange, I think that since my parents have sold my childhood home and are moving on, I feel a sense of complete unsteadiness. There are aspects of my life where I still feel completely vulnerable and am kind of desperate for some solid ground.
It made me think so much about where I used to be in terms of my weight and health. What bothers me sometimes is that when I suffered from an eating disorder, it affected so many people in my life, that at times, it’s a subject that pops up randomly so someone can say how much it confused and pretty much hurt them. I kind of have to go into ‘strength’ mode and remind both myself and that other person how much I have changed.
But that change sometimes catches up with me and I’m totally confused about who the fuck I am. How was a once a California girl cramming random facts into my head to maintain a 4.0 in college while basically eating next to nothing to a now New York City chick who loves to be athletic and has a solid idea of where she wants her career to go? It’s not so black and white. I’m still confused about my body and about how I had SO MUCH motivation to basically starve myself. Now I can’t really pass up any small treat because I know how precious life is.
I think I have felt a lot of disappointment in myself and disappointment in other people, which is something everyone experiences. I know that when I was suffering with my ED, people were shocked and disappointed in me. I own that. I’m just wondering if and when there’s ever really a point in life where things feel ‘under control’ and you don’t feel like you have to fight for yourself or stick up for yourself. I’m thinking maybe not, but I’m not sure.
Like I said–not too sure where this post was going. I’m not too sure how I’ve been feeling lately — I sometimes stumble around with my words and thoughts because there are just so many in my head. I am confident, though, that so many other people have probably had very similar thoughts. When do things ‘fall into place’? How do you get from point A. to point B.? Recently I’ve just been confused.
Thanks for letting me babble on. I could probably write another 3,000 words but it will just tire me out. I guess we just have to kind of hope and know that maybe certain aspects of life will get easier when they’re ‘supposed to’. Until then, I’m still guessing..