Lovin on Lovin on Lovin

Hey there snacky people. How’s your week been? I am so happy tomorrow is Friday! After work I actually have plans to do… nothing. And it feels so good. Hope you have some fun and relaxing weekend plans.

So last Sunday when I was watching my Sunday night line up (Long Island Medium, Real Housewives of NJ, Kardashian’s on DVR…. if anyone cares) there was an episode of Long Island Medium that pulled on my heart strings. The episode was centered around a mother and daughter who went to speak with Teresa (Teresa is the medium who is able to connect to those who have passed away) to see if she could get in touch with their daughter/sister.

The sister had apparently battled on and off for about ten years with an eating disorder. Finally her organs couldn’t take anymore and they collapsed on her. Forget about Teresa trying to channel this girl who passed, my entire focus was now flashing back to those crucial years when I was struggling so badly with my own eating disorder. I had been told time and again by professionals that if I didn’t do something about my ‘situation’, my body could very well shut down.

I didn’t really believe the doctors. I didn’t actually believe that my body would shut down and that I was basically putting myself this close to death. It was just something I couldn’t comprehend — that I was the one putting my life in danger. Sickly–when I was sick–I knew that if the doctor’s were telling me that my weight was dropping too rapidly and that I was putting myself in danger, then in my mind, I was doing the right thing. I wanted to be skinny — skinny to the point of concerning, because then I knew even if I did gain some weight, I would still be thin.

Just typing those words makes me realize what a different person I was. Basically from the years of 2006-2009. Totally and completely different. Listening to the story of the girl who lost her life to an eating disorder was shocking. She actually pushed herself to a place of no return. How completely and utterly devastating.

This episode made me think of how much I am grateful for present-day. There are so many things I think about each and every day and that I love to the fullest capacity. I think because I was so empty and hollow during the years of my eating disorder, I am now filled with so much love.

It sounds so corny, but I can now love so easily. I also give my heart away easily. I’ve learned plenty of hard lessons with that one, but I’m one of those people who loves that fluffy cotton candy, flowers upon flowers, heart is in the sky sort of feeling. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love love. For someone who used to be empty and cold because I couldn’t even love myself, sometimes even I become stunned at my faith in good old love. Don’t throw up at my corniness just yet–I’m not done.. there’s so many other things that I am grateful for and love so much.

I love my family endlessly — it hurts that I can’t see them too often (my parents moved from my home town and my sister lives away at college).

I love my friends in a way that I pretty much consider them family–most of them I have known since my childhood. The friends I haven’t known since childhood feel like they’ve made my early twenties complete with happiness.

I love working out to feel good and feel sore — it means I am working my muscles in the right ways. I don’t love working out to become a skinny stick – that’s not the point anymore. The point is to be athletic, sexy, and strong. Bing, bang, boom. Oh, it also doesn’t hurt to workout to feel less guilty about some indulgences:

I love my dog so much basically because he’s the shit.

I really like that I just love life. Even though there’s times (uh, often) where I’m bored or confused or feel like I’m just waiting for change – I overall really love life. I’ve got a good one and I’m never letting it go to waste again.

xox,

Steph

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4 responses to “Lovin on Lovin on Lovin

  1. ittybitsofbalance

    I’m a firm believer in the fact that you need to learn to love yourself before you can love others, and I’m SO happy to hear that you are closer to this reality than ever before! ๐Ÿ™‚ Keep up the good work

  2. You can see the love on your face in every photo – you just look so happy!!

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